I’m the type of person who has to process things through words, whether it’s vocally or writing it out. So, what better place to process vulnerable topics than the intimacy of the world wide web, right?
I grew up in (and still attend) a church that teaches that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father. It is some of the most comforting knowledge I have and at the same time, some of the most daunting knowledge. How can I ever be the type of person that is worthy of love from God. I’ve always struggled with that.
My heart has been heavy lately and I’ve been in some dark places recently, aiding in that overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe other people truly mean the compliments they have given me, because they must just be saying it to be nice, right? In my mind, I’ll forever be the little sister that was never wanted (it’s okay, we’re all friends now..haha), or the awkward, unattractive, tall girl that wasn’t good enough to be asked to prom, or the mother who yells too much and has too little patience. Point is, I’ve always had a self-esteem issue, never feeling like I truly fit in or was accepted or loved, no matter where I was. Having this kind of mindset doesn’t lend much to believing that a Heavenly Father, a GOD, could truly love me or care for me.
So this past week, I’ve been praying to know that He is aware of me. That He loves me and knows my struggles. It’s been important to me to truly feel that assurance because my mind has been weighed down with so many stressors lately. So Saturday night, I had to go to the grocery store. It was meant to be a quick trip and carrying my purse seemed cumbersome, so I chose to take my wallet with my phone zipped inside.
I quickly finished shopping and headed home, to focus on reviewing my lesson for the following Sunday at church. Two hours later, I went to check my phone only to find it was missing. My password for Find My iPhone wouldn’t login correctly and I called it and searched everywhere. It dawned on me that if my phone was missing, my wallet must be as well. My stomach sank as I realized it had to be in the cart in the grocery store parking lot and was most likely stolen by this point. I prayed and prayed and prayed that I could find it and it’d still be at the store. After searching the inside of the car with no luck, I hurried over to the store. All of the carts had been returned to the inside of the store, since it was now 11 pm, and a ghost town. As I scrambled to get inside and talk to someone, I ran right into the security guard and cashier. I frantically blurted out my story of the missing wallet and phone and they both nodded and smiled and said,”Yep. We have it!” The tension in my body immediately dissipated and a small bit of shock passed over me. I hadn’t expected it to be there. The security guard handed it over to me and I got back in my car to drive home. As soon as I closed the car door and started the car, it hit me. A wave of warmth and love filled me to my core. I began to cry and in that moment, I knew, without a doubt, that the Lord does love me. He loves all of us. No matter what. There are no qualifiers for His love.
Whether you’re an awkward teenager who’s made too many mistakes, or a sweet elderly person. Big or small. Accomplished or still trying to figure out your path in life. A Trump supporter or a Clinton supporter (I had to…). He loves you.
It doesn’t matter if you believe in Him or not, it won’t change the fact that we are all brothers and sisters and we are all loved by our Heavenly Father. It’s a truth that I’ve come to know personally and profoundly, because of a silly lost wallet and phone.