Everyone knows periods like making your life a living hell while they visit. Giving you horrible cramps, nausea, and ruining underwear isn’t enough for those sadistic punks. No, they also decide to visit while on trips 90% of the time. Going to the Bahamas on the 15th because your period isn’t due until the 27th? Think you’re safe? Nope. That period is going to find you. It’s going to show up early just to spite you and assert its dominance in your life…
So, we went to Vegas for Thanksgiving (to visit my parents). I was really looking forward to this trip! My birthday was Black Friday, so I was excited to do fun things for it, instead of the basic dinner and a movie we’d get to do in my current home. We were getting to spend time with my family and see old friends we haven’t seen in a long time. It was going to be great!! Little did I know, Aunt Flow was going to show up a week early.
She popped in to say hi on Friday morning (what a great birthday present) and I had to go to the store on Black Friday to get supplies… I stood in line holding my box of pads and tampons behind 10 people buying TVs, video games, and toys and giving me some weird looks.
So this period was off to a great start! The next day, we went to visit one of my husband’s old college friends. He has two girls, slightly older than my kids, and we decided to go to a park in his neighborhood. The weather was beautiful and the kids were having fun, but they were exhausted from our hike at Red Rock earlier that morning. So, I was wrangling them in as we walked through the parks. We got to a second playground and my husband and his friend decided to go get the cars since the kids were so tired. At this point, I knew I needed to take care of my land down under. The cramps were horrible, but we kept walking. What else can you do, but keep trekking, and pretend that a small replica of Old Faithful isn’t in your pants?
So the guys left and said we should walk up to the next park and meet them there. I wasn’t sure about this plan, but went forward anyway, thinking it’d give them some alone time to catch up more. So the 5 kids and I decided to hike to the next location, up and down hills, winding through the neighborhood. I had my toddler on my hip and I felt it… the first clue my pad and underwear were failing me… I thought maybe I was crazy, it couldn’t be that heavy. I’d just cleaned up before the park. Sure enough, we hiked up to the cars. I sat down and felt a squish… crap… had it soaked through my pants too?! When we parked in front of his house, I got out of the driver’s seat and felt it and saw it… a big red spot on the seat.
I tried to discretely call my husband over. I had to run to the store. We were across the valley from my parent’s house and our friend’s wife is a cute little Filipino woman. There was no way I could fit into her pants with my Amazonian sized body. My husband was slightly clueless and I finally got his attention. He came over. I saw the pity in his eyes as he realized what happened. He ushered me on to go to the store. Just as I was about to head out, his friend came over and asked if everything was okay. I was so embarrassed. I hadn’t been that embarrassed since I laugh-farted in front of my crush as a teenager…
My husband told him I’m on my period and needed to run to the store for some things. Trying to be helpful, he offered ibuprofen. I say no, I need something else. So he offered feminine products. Again, I have to say no and realized there was no way around it, I had to tell him what had happened… and I hung my head in shame as I drove to Target.
Have you ever tried to buy clothes in a store while hoping no one notices your sopping wet period pants? No? That’s good. Try to avoid it if you can. I finally got my clothes (I bought a whole new outfit because at that point I felt I earned a new top too). I headed to the bathroom and went to change. It was empty. Good!
I awkwardly changed in the handicap stall. I made it out and felt so much better. Then, someone came in and my poor ruined underwear fell off of the edge of the bag I’d placed it in and onto the floor. The teenage girl shrieked…I quickly picked it up and threw it away, washed my hands, and exited the bathroom as fast as I could.
Are embarrassing period stories supposed to still happen in your 30’s? Am I alone in this?